


Sinew

by strata



Category: ENHYPEN (Band), I-LAND (Korea TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Anxiety, Boys Kissing, Depression, Dubcon Kissing, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Friendship, Gen, Growing Up Together, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Past Abuse, Platonic Relationships, Platonic Soulmates, Self-Esteem Issues, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-26
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:54:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,965
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26661772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strata/pseuds/strata
Summary: The one where Sunghoon and Jake are soulmates, and maybe Jay is theirs too.
Relationships: Kei | K (I-LAND)/Shim Jaeyoon | Jake, Lee Heeseung/Park Sunghoon, Park Jongseong | Jay/Park Sunghoon, Park Jongseong | Jay/Park Sunghoon/Shim Jaeyoon | Jake, Park Jongseong | Jay/Shim Jaeyoon | Jake, Park Sunghoon/Shim Jaeyoon | Jake
Comments: 26
Kudos: 111





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> ** so this is an experiment. i've tagged it as platonic but it's probably open to interpretation. if this feels ooc, i'm sorry. let me know what you think! **

Jay looks at them in the same way people gaze at the things they can’t have. It’s in the manner in which uncertainty falls over those eyes when he stares at them, eyes that wordlessly say _here but not quite,_ a telltale sign that they’re losing him. Jay often does that, dives into the void because that’s the way he is, the roaring abyss of his relentless anxieties a place where he’s comfortable and used to. It’s there that he drowns himself in worst case scenarios that haven’t unfolded yet but feel, already, like the only reality he has ever known. Down there where it’s familiar, he sinks, and it’s where they have to find him. 

Save him.

Sunghoon isn’t going to lie. He won’t say that he and Jake know what to do each time this happens because sometimes, they don’t. When Jay is distant and skeptical of everything in his life, they end up drifting away too: lost in the crashing waves and unsure which way underneath the surface they can pull Jay back from. It’s always a struggle, but they understand. Not completely, _never,_ but they understand enough that there are things, hinted at but never talked about completely, only spoken about in stilted sentences, that has made the older boy’s feelings the way it is—difficult to wade through, complicated in such a way that they have to be careful about picking out clues to know what to do, and what not to. 

But here’s what they do know with a degree of certainty, and that is, a lot has been done and said to Jay that has forced him to be good at one thing: to mistrust his all, even the words that he comes up with in his own head. They’re going to have to be patient with him as usual, will need to reassure him _and then_ reassure him some more, but Sunghoon and Jake will do what they can like they always have. 

It starts with coaxing Jay back; to the here and now, to the difficult but beautiful and to what is, even though it doesn’t feel like it sometimes, worth it. 

  
  
  


“Hyung,” Jake says, voice a balm, hands reaching but careful not to imply that he’s going to touch just yet. Jay’s already overwhelmed, obviously so, tired from a long day surrounded by too many people while pretending to be someone else just to evade the judgmental stares, and touching will be too much. Jake knows this, and so does Sunghoon. Jay chews his lower lip to oblivion and they let him do it for now. “Can I sit with you?”

What anyone has to know about Jay is that he won’t say no. If the first thing asked of him isn’t to pick out from options, he’ll say yes and agree because from what they’ve learned, from what Sunghoon has experienced firsthand (and regretted), _no_ to Jay has brought nothing but unpleasant consequences. That and he’s careful about hurting other people or refusing them what they want, and in the process, he hurts himself instead and disregards what he wants, sometimes without even realizing it. 

So they always give him a choice, never forgets to. It doesn’t matter sometimes, but the days that it does can affect even the littlest of things.

Jay blinks at the question as soon as it’s asked, looks up at Jake as if he’s surprised he wants to sit with him at all. He moves over unnecessarily, literally squishes himself against the armrest seemingly to mold himself as part of the sofa, and it’s clear as day that this means no touching at all. Jake turns his way then to give him a pointed glance, and Sunghoon returns the look with a miniscule nod. With his grabby hands and constant need for skinship, it’s better that he stay away for a while. 

Jake will handle the proximity for the meantime. 

“Sure,” Jay finally answers and belatedly when Jake doesn’t move, realizing that as expected, they’re waiting for him to voice his agreement. Getting the older boy to verbalize what he wants is a work in progress since he has a habit of implying things with meanings that make sense only to himself, and none of them want any misunderstandings. They used to have a lot of those, especially Jay and Jake: the latter is rather slow on the uptake and the former used to wordless implications, and that had been a recipe for disaster. All of them, and Sunghoon most of all, have had enough of meaningless fights born out of miscommunication (or lack thereof), and so, unless it’s said aloud, it’s become a rule among them to only act on and respond to things that have been spoken. 

Jay and Jake still struggle sometimes, but Sunghoon helps them when he can. 

“Ok thanks,” Jake says, plopping himself down on the other end of the couch with a grin and picking up the remote. He switches the TV on but turns the volume down until the noise is an indiscernible murmur, flipping through channels and settling on a documentary about the ancient pyramids of Egypt. He finishes all of that while Sunghoon watches, _worries,_ Jake turning to Jay again with an open, inviting smile. “How was today hyung? Busy day?”

Jay gets that expression he usually only gets when he has to force himself not to say anything hurtful to push either one of them away, and Sunghoon feels ice water replace the blood in his veins for a brief moment. Jake will take it to heart because he always does; even if he knows Jay doesn’t mean what he says sometimes, it’ll hurt him still and Sunghoon will have to pick up all of their fractured pieces on his own until the two make up again. He wonders if he should intervene now. 

But he doesn’t have to. Thankfully, Jay doesn’t say anything mean today, simply shrugs his shoulders. His hands, lifeless on his either side the entire time, finds something to pick on: the rips of his jeans, fingers pulling at the loose threads, a nervous tick. The conversation’s making him worry like so many other things make him worry, but he knows, as does Sunghoon and Jake, that this is necessary. Leaving him brewing in his thoughts for far too long will only make him unreachable and they don’t want him lost, want him right here with them. 

“You want to talk about it hyung?” 

While Jake is good with knowing what to do and when not to touch, Sunghoon is better with words. He’s not perfect at it, it had been a lot of trial and error, but between them, he’s the one who can get Jay to talk. And so he prods and gives the older boy a choice as usual, waits with Jake who he sees is aching to bridge the distance between himself and Jay. 

But not yet. _Later._

“‘M tired,” Jay admits in a low voice, fingers tugging. They know he doesn’t mean just physically, and they wait. He’s not done or maybe he is, but they give him a few extra seconds to say more if he wants to. He does. “So tired. It’s pointless.”

Sunghoon shares another glance with Jake who’s the one giving him a nod this time to encourage him into continuing the conversation. It’s not a great start, the words are vague and so like Jay, but they have to begin somewhere and really, sometimes all people need is an opening to take a step forward. 

“Depends on what it is,” Sunghoon points out, casual. He’s lounging on the floor facing them, back on the wall and seated right beside where the TV is with his phone in hand although he’s stopped scrolling through social media minutes ago. Jay doesn’t look up, doesn’t stop fiddling with those threads, as Sunghoon pushes on. “What’s pointless, Jay-hyung?”

Jay looks annoyed. He always does when they have to talk about what eats him up inside, what turns him into a lifeless patchwork of skin, flesh, and bones. For someone who’s good with words, he hates talking about this.

 _It’s different,_ he’d said once. _Talking about my feelings about the world and what I think is everyone’s feelings about the world are two different things._ Sunghoon thinks he gets it but he’s not sure. 

“Everything.” Jay spits the word out as one would poison, hands pausing from its mindless fiddling as he lifts one of them to gesture at himself, at Sunghoon, at Jake. “This, it’s pointless.”

 _Ah._ Sunghoon doesn’t look at Jake even as Jake stares at him in mild alarm as if they haven’t been here before. Jay doubts what they have most of the time, everyday probably, but some days are worse than others. Today is one of those days. He relaxes a fraction, sags against the wall behind him and places his phone on the floor. Sunghoon is familiar with this conversation, has navigated through it so many times and danced to its tunes. 

They can get through this. 

“Ok,” he starts in acknowledgement, stretching his legs to get some blood circulation back before crossing them again without taking his eyes off Jay. It’s important he doesn’t look away, doesn’t miss a thing. Jake does the same, _looks._ Sunghoon’s going to need his cues as the one who can read Jay better, and so far he hasn’t given any indication for him to stop talking. So Sunghoon talks. “What do you want to do about us then, if you think it’s pointless?”

He doesn’t start with _why._ They all know that his reasons are illogical most of the time and asking that in the beginning will only make the older boy angry and defensive. The last thing he wants is to upset Jay too early when they haven’t talked about much at all, so he uses the same structures that have worked on them before to ask his questions. 

The older boy doesn’t answer for a long time, back to picking at his fraying jeans with harsh fingers. It’s Jake’s turn to chew on his lower lip, entire body tense, holding himself back from fidgeting. But Sunghoon just sits where he is, breathing calmly, patient. They have to be, they’ve learned how to be. 

_It’s worth it. He’s worth it,_ he reminds himself. 

“I’m unbearable,” Jay eventually starts with, dodging the question, and his voice sounds resigned as if he’s speaking the ultimate truth. And that’s the thing: _it is._ To Jay at least, his words are true. “How can you stand it? You don’t have to. You can walk away anytime, you don’t have to bear with this.”

 _With me_ is left unspoken, but Sunghoon and Jake have come to learn a lot about how Jay’s mind works and they know it’s implied. It makes Sunghoon smile, bitter as it is, as he makes a show of heaving out this long suffering sigh. The answer is simple, has always been and always will be, and Jake says it for the both of them because this one, neither of them will ever get it wrong, not when it’s their truth. 

“Because we love you, hyung.”

There are only two ways these conversations go depending on how deep in the abyss Jay has fallen: he either accepts this answer or fights back, argues. It’s number two today, but they’ve done this before too. They’re just going to have to survive the horrible parts where Jay tears himself down and speaks about himself like he doesn’t matter. 

“You don’t,” Jay insists through gritted teeth, hands now curled into fists on his lap as he refuses to look at either of them. “You think you do, but eventually, you’ll realize that it’s all pointless and leave and just, why not now? Why are we prolonging the inevitable?”

This isn’t about them, and it’s not because the older boy doesn’t trust Sunghoon and Jake but rather _all._ It isn’t personal. Jay looks at the world like this, like everyone and everything has an ulterior motive and are simply waiting to take something from him before leaving once they’ve snatched whatever it is away along with a chunk of his bleeding heart. 

Sunghoon can only repeat his question of earlier. 

“So what do you want to do if it’s pointless, hyung?”

A choice, always a choice, and Jay always picks the worst one because that’s who he is and it’s what he does. 

“You should go. Leave.”

This is when the _why_ comes in, Sunghoon asking it without fear of upsetting Jay anymore because this way, the older boy can listen to himself being unreasonable and that’s what he needs, to challenge his own thoughts even if it’ll make him angry and afraid. 

“Why? Tell me hyung.”

And he offers all of these things, going through each item like a grocery list, one reason as ridiculous as the last. They’re all baseless, shallow, the same ones he’s used before, just different words. Jay finishes the opposite of how he started, strong and with conviction until he’s just whispering to himself, but the room is so quiet that they can hear how powerless his voice eventually becomes. 

_I’m not stable. I’m a handful. I’m ugly. I’ll only ruin both of you. I’m not worth it. I have too much baggage. I’ll never be normal. I keep dragging you down. I’m not healthy for you. You deserve better._

It’s the last one that always gets them each time. Jay doesn’t say it often but when he does, something inside Sunghoon’s chest twists in pain, squeezing his lungs to the point that it becomes difficult to breathe. It’s not fair how Jay thinks of himself last, or sometimes not at all. 

“And you, hyung?” Sunghoon tries but fails not to sound like he’s about to cry. “Do you not deserve better?”

The question finally makes Jay lift his head, glassy eyes meeting Sunghoon’s own red-rimmed ones across the room, and something breaks like a soundless snap, the tension broken, Jay’s breath stuttering on an inhale as he opens his arms slowly with a glance at Jake too as he says—

“Can—can you both come here?”

It’s instant when Jake crawls towards Jay, Sunghoon doing the same but remaining on the floor, cheek against the older boy’s knee as they all try not to turn into a collective weeping mess. Jay’s touch on them is tentative, one arm wrapped around Jake’s waist and the fingers of a free hand carding through Sunghoon’s hair, and he has his eyes closed as he pleads, remorseful:

“I’m sorry, I don’t mean it, _sorry,_ just please don’t leave me, _don’t go.”_

Jake has his face pressed against Jay’s neck, murmuring his words on his skin as if he’s searing the syllables there. 

“Never hyung. We’ll stay as long as you want us to, as long as you want us.”

Sunghoon takes the hand on top of his head and kisses an open palm, voicing his agreement, looking up at Jay with wide and honest eyes that still sting with unshed tears. 

“Love you Jay-hyung,” he whispers, sweetly echoed by Jake, and Jay has that other look this time, the one that can’t believe they love him as if it’s a miracle, as if it’s a chore for them to do, as if it’s a difficult thing. It makes them love him even more and in ways that are hard to explain to other people. And Jay, love-starved Jay, he deserves as much love as the world can give, but if everyone else has nothing for him, Sunghoon and Jake have enough of theirs that they want to share, to wrap Jay around with until he stops thinking that he doesn’t deserve better people and things. 

He does. 

“Love you,” Jay whispers back, and he’s shy, unused to the words. It makes Sunghoon’s heart sing to know that he’s trying for them, and Jake takes advantage, giggles and asks just as abashedly, these two idiots who are shit with communication. 

“Say it again, hyung?”

Jay chuckles and tries to hide his face, but there’s nowhere to press it against. Sniffing a little, he’s forced to look at Jake first, pairs his name with the confession and a teary smile. 

“Love you Jake.” Sunghoon grins, waits by Jay’s feet like a puppy for his turn, and noses at the older boy’s thigh when he says the words to him too. “Love you, Sunghoonie.”

And for the moment, they’re ok. But this is only because they work on being ok everyday, though there had been a time long ago when they hadn’t been, just two people instead of three with Jay merely a stray thought, a longing that hadn’t yet taken shape. 

At first, years back and as children, it all began with Sunghoon and Jake. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ** hi, this fic's back! i hope you're enjoying it so far. this is a bit short, but only because the entire fic is paced. so some chapters will be super long while others may be drabble-short. let me know what you think! **

Jake has known Sunghoon all his life. 

He doesn’t remember a time from before that’s without him, tries to look back but can’t remember Sunghoon not being around. Sunghoon is as constant as his family, an infinitely recurring presence interwoven in every twist and turn of the past that Jake has learned, through decades’ worth of wash-rinse-repeat, not to live without. 

Long before their unbreakable friendship, Jake and Sunghoon had been next door neighbors. Their families lived in a private village with townhouses that looked exactly the same, one home a copy of the next, differentiated only by paint colors, lighting, and furniture. Their bedroom windows were across each other—a picture frame sneak peek of another boy’s life—and it hadn’t taken long for them to realize this as days turned into weeks and months and meaningful years. 

From the get go, Sunghoon had been different from the other kids, or from any person Jake has ever met. And in that unforgettable beginning, he’d merely regarded Jake in silence: like a phantom, little Sunghoon sometimes watched from between the drapes, unresponsive even as Jake cautiously waved hello time and time again. That’s how it went on for a while, an unreturned greeting, until one day:

“I’m Sunghoon.”

It had been before bed with Jake dawdling about and preparing his school things. He hadn’t been studious as a kid by any means, just hesitant to sleep. It’s what children dislike the most, and Jake had been no different. Sleep, after all, is for the weak. 

Startled by the voice out of nowhere, Jake must have looked comical because the boy named Sunghoon laughs aloud. Jake had stared then, dumbfounded: how can a smile change a face so much? During the days leading up to this, the other boy’s face had been an emotionless mask, calculating and observant, but now it’s warm and open, kind of like a door you can’t help but walk into. 

“Are you,” little Jake had started with hesitation, walking over to the window to prop his elbows against the sill. “Are you talking to me?”

Sunghoon had laughed that bright and brilliant laugh of his. 

“You’re the only one I can see through my window, right?”

A good point. And Jake, easy to reason with, beams at him. Waving at the watchful boy had finally yielded results with much patience. They’re on speaking terms now!

“I’m Jake! Nice to meet you, Sunghoon!”

And from that moment onwards, their relationship had spiraled upward and down then back up, just as friendships do. Neither of them minded, both being the only children their parents had; it got lonely on their own, and having each other to share things with—stories, toys, food, _everything_ —had been a welcome change. They became inseparable, two parts that made a whole, the reason their parents have remained friends to this day. 

In fact, even vacations turned into joint family outings over the years, with phone calls non-negotiable in the event that either family’s schedules made it impossible. Jake and Sunghoon bridged the temporary distance with whispers of _how was your day? Mine sucked,_ and answers of, _Mine didn’t. Wish you were here._

_Me too._

And on the surface, they’d been just like any other couple of boys in the way they stuck with each other, but if anyone had looked closely, _closer,_ they would’ve been able to tell that something was and has always been unusual with Sunghoon and Jake. 

“Is this...” 

It had been a random weekend the year they turned sixteen when Jake asked the question, both of them shirtless and laying on the grass with his head on Sunghoon’s outstretched arm. They’d played nerf wars all afternoon but, with nighttime approaching, they’d decided to rest before dinner. Turning to look at Sunghoon, Jake doesn’t even blink with them so close, nose tips nearly brushing. 

“You know… normal?”

The thing is, Sunghoon had been homeschooled. Jake, on the other hand, attended a local high school—he had other friends, with most of them his age—and during this period, Jake hadn’t been able to help himself from comparing his dynamics with Sunghoon as opposed to others. The difference, to be honest, had been quite staggering. 

Still is. 

“What is?” Sunghoon had stared back at him with curious eyes as he asked a question of his own, their proximity making them breathe each other’s air. “You mean, like you and me?”

_You and me._

Even then, _up until now,_ that phrase never fails to strike a chord in Jake. It always pulls at the invisible strings in his chest, tightening his ribs enough to squeeze it sweetly, painfully. Collective and unshakeable from the start, that’s him and Sunghoon. 

_You and me._

“Yeah… I mean, do you have other friends that you hang out with like this?”

Sunghoon had merely smiled and shrugged. Turned his face upwards again, expression content and pleasant under a dying sun. Dusk made Sunghoon glow, lit the ends of his eyelashes like a spider’s web, fragile and tender. Reaching out, Jake brushed his fingers ever so gently on those lashes.

Sunghoon had taken his hand at the time, pressing Jake’s palm against his cheek. 

“You’re the only one I need.”

* * *

Before meeting Jay, once, there had been a boy named Heeseung. Looking back, his fleeting presence had seemed some kind of a test. 

_Are you as unbreakable as you think?_

Sunghoon had _adored_ Heeseung. With that time long past, Jake can be objective enough to admit that Heeseung had been one of a kind: mercilessly harsh on himself but saint-like to everybody else. Being older than them both, he’d taken the lead without being imposing, and thinking about it, he could have easily been _the one_. 

Jake’s a little glad he isn’t.

They’d met him during the summer of their eighteenth year, Heeseung visiting his grandparents who lived right across Sunghoon’s home. The three of them had spent long hours playing video games, or else biking around the community. At one point, they even had a picnic, mandatory checkered blanket and all. And to this day, Jake remembers the grueling sight of Sunghoon and Heeseung that afternoon, wondering if the way they’d been that time is exactly how he and Sunghoon look like to the rest of the world. 

They had their first fight the following afternoon. 

_Whatever happened to ‘_ You’re the only one I need?’—unspoken by Jake but implied, and heavily so. It clicked for Sunghoon midway through, his expression easily melting into something knowing and warm at the realization of what’s going on. 

“Are you crazy? Of course you’re the only one I need. Heeseung’s just a friend.”

_Just a friend._

Jake hadn’t asked what he is to Sunghoon if that’s the case and still hasn’t. He’s completely fine with being Sunghoon’s Jake and the only one he needs, period. Regardless if it’s a mouthful, the important thing here is that it fits. 

Jake won’t accept anything more, or anything less. 

Heeseung left them a few days before the end of summer vacation with promises of keeping in touch, but he hadn’t sent any letters or made any phone calls even now, years later. 

_Good._

This had then left Jake and Sunghoon on their own, at least for a while—that is, until Jake met a sunbae by the name of Kei.

_And oh my, how the tables have turned._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ** hopefully, the part with heeseung isn't misunderstood. this is not to hate on him. this is just jake being jelly lol. **


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ** this took so long, sorry! for a while, i wasn't sure which direction to take this story because i'd declared the entire thing platonic during the beginning. you'll find that i'm stretching that term to its limit now, and wonder if i should even consider anything that happens here as platonic anymore. but oh well. let me know what you think? OH AND WARNING ABOUT MINOR DUBCON. enjoy and have a great rest of the week! :) **

After rough and emotional nights, when they can manage it, Sunghoon, Jake, and Jay try to keep their morning afters soft. There isn’t much time to do anything during weekdays, but weekends are glorious: the three of them get to stay in bed for as long as they want, huddled together under a huge blanket where all the warmth is. 

Jay is always the first person to wake up. When he needs to go to work, he doesn’t sleep in and spends what extra time he has awake by cuddling Jake and Sunghoon instead. Sunghoon appreciates these moments of splayed limbs and messy hair, and considers it the best time of his day. It makes the moments he doesn’t have either of them with him bearable: a beautiful thing to look back on and, at the same time, look forward to. 

“Good morning.” 

Jay whispers his customary greeting when he realizes Sunghoon is awake, voice still rough with sleep, and Sunghoon responds by pressing himself closer to the warm and waking body beside him. He gets a nuzzle atop the head and a huff of soft laughter in return—though Jake is the one who replies to the greeting meant for him, voice a slur, as he throws an arm around Jay’s waist to reach over and grasp a fistful of Sunghoon’s pajama top. This way and he has both of them within his reach in an awkward group hug, and it takes a while but he eventually cracks one eye open but just long enough to make eye contact with Sunghoon. 

“Good morning.” 

They wake up slowly and huddle together inch by inch because it’s so cold; someone must have turned down the heater during the night. It’s ok though—the perfect temperature to seek hugs and to snuggle. With that thought in mind, Sunghoon presses himself against Jay even further, yanking Jake’s arm in the process so that the two of them can properly sandwich Jay between them. _There._ A contented sigh leaves his lips as Jake caresses his side with fingers that trace the dip of his waist then up to his ribs, down again and then up, a soothing back and forth with a rhythm and rhyme of its own. 

They stay silent for a while, all of them just collectively waking up, until finally, Jay speaks. 

“Again, sorry about last night.”

“Please shut up,” Sunghoon whines, eyes already closed again as he reaches upward to yank tuffs of Jay’s nape hair in playful annoyance. “Brand new day. We’ve got no room for forgiving what’s been forgiven yesterday.”

Jake makes a sound of agreement. 

“Today’s a new day for new sins,” he adds (un)helpfully, and Jay wheeze-laughs as Sunghoon hits Jake on the back of the head because of it. _“Hey!”_

“Not what I meant, stupid.”

“Anyway,” Jay interjects before things get too far, pushing himself backwards so he can sit up. Sunghoon and Jake take advantage by immediately moving to lay down on his lap. “I’ll be home late. Kei-hyung and the guys are in town, so we’re having dinner and a few drinks. You can come if you want, Jake—Kei-hyung’s been asking about you.”

At those words, Sunghoon goes very, _very_ still. 

“I,” Jake starts with, fumbling for words and definitely wide awake now. “I have to check my schedule—”

“You should go,” Sunghoon interjects, trying to stay relaxed. It must work, because Jay doesn’t ask any questions. He continues. “It’s been a while since they were here.”

“Ok great! I’d invite you, Sunghoon, but you never go.”

Jay assumes everything’s all good just because Jake does just about _anything_ Sunghoon says—so if Sunghoon tells him to go, he thinks Jake will most likely go. That and he doesn’t get it, doesn’t know about the fights that were caused by a sunbaenim with the gentlest voice and the kindest smile. _And he doesn’t have to know._

“I’ll prepare breakfast. Will call you guys when it’s ready.”

Jay climbs out of bed with a one-armed hug-squeeze for each of them, none the wiser, and leaves a tense silence behind him.

“Is it really ok?” 

Any other day and Jake would’ve moved, bridged the gap between them, refused to _not_ touch Sunghoon. That’s not the case right now. They’re talking about Kei and need the space and clear heads, a certain distance so they can think and be. But instead of saying something, _anything,_ Sunghoon doesn’t reply, caught up in wondering if Jake understands why he feels the way he does where Kei is concerned. He always says yes, but Sunghoon wonders if it’s a lie. 

This isn’t like with Heeseung. Heeseung had been a fleeting summer’s dream, nothing more, perhaps a _could have been_. Kei is different and, deny it all he wants, Jake has a fondness for him that’s undeniable. After all, he’d gushed like a schoolboy with a crush during his time with the older boy in university, affection painfully obvious—and being a witness to it, even just by video calls and endless chats, used to leave a sinking feeling in the pit of Sunghoon’s stomach. 

Years later and it still has the same effect, and so the question is… _is it really ok?_

“Hoonie?”

Sunghoon has to swallow hard before he can respond with a lie of his own. He doesn’t want to be _that_ person—the selfish one who wants people all to themselves. He nods his head and sits up then, refuses to look at Jake, pretends to stretch. 

“Yeah. It’s fine.”

“Sunghoon.”

Sunghoon’s restless actions stop as the bed dips, Jake sitting up himself to crawl towards him. He sits very close, kneels behind Sunghoon to wrap his arms around his waist and pull him close. For a while, that’s all he does: Jake holds Sunghoon until they’re breathing together, inhales and exhales and heartbeats a single, pulsing thing. 

“Sunghoon-ah,” Jake whispers, breath warm and lips soft on his nape. “I love you.”

Sunghoon can’t help the smile that forms on his lips, but it’s a little bitter because when has love alone kept people from falling apart? Lifting his hands, he touches Jake’s arms, slides his palms over them where they’re still embracing him from behind, before he’s turning his head to the side just as Jake lifts his to settle a chin on his shoulder. Their mouths brush against each other’s, an accidental kiss, but it doesn’t bother either of them. This is normal. This is what they need.

“I know Jakey,” he whispers back as Jake leans back in, touches their lips together again. Long ago, they figured this isn’t something that friends do. But they’re not like other people and this, _this_ is exactly what the situation calls for: closeness and touch, a tangible manner to say, _you’re mine and I’m yours, ok?_ “I know.”

And he’s never going to know if Jake had been planning to say anything else, because just then, the door swings open, Jay peeking in to loudly announce breakfast is ready—

Only to see what they’re doing and pouting as a result. 

“Shouldn’t I be a part of that?” 

His words are petulant and childish, but it’s an act. He’s teasing. Sunghoon laughs, but while Jake mirrors the sound, his is uneasy and weak. Sunghoon ignores this fact, knows he already said what needs to be said. _Go,_ he thinks, on his feet now to be closer to Jay. _Go Jakey, if you’d rather be with Kei._

He’s not sure he’ll survive the aftermath should Jake _leave,_ but at the very least, Sunghoon will know that Jake won’t be unhappy. 

“Jay-hyung,” Sunghoon singsongs, wrapping his arms around Jay’s neck and pulling him close. They like calling him hyung despite being born in the same year, all of them—he’s just such a grandpa sometimes, but more than that, he takes charge on his good days and keeps Sunghoon and Jake in check. “Come here then.”

“It’s too late,” Jay harrumphs, but he’s starting to smile, accepting the gentle kiss on each of his cheeks. “Anyway, come on, breakfast’s good to go.”

“You just microwaved something, didn’t you,” Jake points out, trying to be normal, to tease, as he too leaves the bed, trailing the covers in his wake. They’ll fix it later, just like they’re going to fix other things: when it’s too late, when they’re already hurting, when lies have been told. “You didn’t even cook a proper egg.”

“If you don’t want it, don’t eat it,” Jay shoots back, already taking Sunghoon’s hand to pull him along, and as one they head to the kitchen, two out of three pretending everything’s going to be ok. 

(Of course not, and that’s something they both know.)

* * *

_Kei kisses people when he’s drunk._

_All of his university friends are aware of this, have been kissed by him before and more than once, and it’s become nothing more but a funny, meaningless thing that happens every once in a while. It doesn’t mean Kei is gay or has feelings for them or whatever; it’s just that inebriated, for him it’s a pleasant thing to do with other people._

_But Jake hadn’t known that._

_“Hyung,” Jake gasps, breathless and dizzy, but Kei won’t let him speak with how urgent and fast his mouth’s moving on planes of flesh, back to Jake’s lips, only to make its trip to his jaw and neck and collarbones again. “Hyung, what are you—”_

_“OI! Kei-hyung, leave Jakey alone!”_

_It’s Seon, not as drunk, laughing like a madman as he pulls Kei away with all his might. They nearly topple backwards if not for Jay who appears out of nowhere to steady them, concerned eyes peering at a still winded, startled Jake._

_“You all right?”_

_Jake has never talked to Jay until now, just knows he’s a friend of Kei’s. He looks from a grinning Kei-hyung to him, Jake who is trying to catch his breath, his throat a little dry and his stupid heart pounding like the little drummer boy, in a drumming rage, lives in his chest._

_“I—I think? What’s going on?”_

_“He’s just like that when he’s drunk,” Jay explains, approaching him cautiously, hands outstretched. “I’m sorry. He doesn’t mean it. Is it ok to touch you? I can get you out of here. How much beer have you had?”_

_Jake swallows hard, realizes he’s crumpled in on himself against the wall where Kei had pressed him against. He straightens: his posture, his clothes—but he can’t seem to do the same with his head, his thoughts._ He’s just like that when he’s drunk, _Jay had said. Jake’s not sure how he feels about that._

_“I,” Jake stutters, stumbling as he tries to walk. Jay reaches out to steady him and prevent him from falling—but it’s just a little too late for that. He was a fool for thinking this drunken kiss is anything else but what it is: a drunken kiss.“I have to go. I’m not drunk, I’m fine.”_

_“You sure?”_

_Jay refuses to move, refuses to leave him alone. A part of Jake appreciates it, but not now. Not when he has this strange, sudden realization that shakes him to the core._

He’s gay. _And he likes Kei-hyung._

_“Yes, yes, see you around.”_

_He hurries away without a backward glance, and Jay watches him go, intent on checking up on him as soon as possible._


End file.
